Lots Of Shit

So, this is my 100th post. Yay. Whatever.

My friend's son died of cancer yesterday.

I'm thinking about deleting Facebook.

Random stuff, but it's all intertwined. Not sure if I'll clearly explain what I'm feeling, but here it goes.

I can't sleep. Previously in my life, when I'm stressed, sad or frustrated, my body just goes into sleep mode. I'm not one to sit and worry myself out of sleep. Quite the opposite. So, now something has changed...I've been awake since 2:45, and I don't think sleep is trying to find me.

I've posted about the little Rockstar Ronan I know, and his courageous fight with Neuroblastoma since last August when he was first diagnosed. Little Ronan Sean passed away peacefully yesterday morning in his mama's arms. I still find it surreal, and I hurt selfishly on a level I didn't even know existed. I keep asking myself, "How can I hurt so badly for a child that isn't even mine?" At work yesterday I was a complete mess. Everyone was asking what was wrong, and when I told them, they cried with me. Ronan has touched that many people. For that I will be forever grateful, but I always believed he would make it. I never let myself believe that death would be the final outcome. Maybe I was naive, or maybe I just believed that if I had enough faith, thought only positive thoughts, that that would somehow will the outcome I had wanted. I hurt for my friend.

This has all lead me to deleting my Facebook page. I haven't done it yet, but I posted last night that I was and left my email for those people who wanted to keep in contact. Ever since then I've been wrestling with that. Because Facebook has brought a lot of people back into my life who I totally enjoy. But it's brought a ton of sadness as well. And I'm not the type of person that can separate myself from it. I feel for people on a level that sometimes I wish I didn't. Maya's son got cancer and died. Before Facebook, Maya and I hadn't talked since I graduated. Amy's husband died suddenly and left her and 3 children behind. He was 36. I hadn't talked to Amy since graduation. Dave's sister was murdered by her ex-husband. I haven't talked to Dave since he graduated. Do you see what I'm getting at? These people's lives through Facebook have directly and indirectly affected mine in such ways I wish selfishly weren't possible. Only because I feel like I'm in a constant state or sorrow, sadness, anger, etc. because of the posts on Facebook. I don't think about these people as adults...I transport myself back to a time when we were kids and how carefree we were, and how we all had these hopes and dreams, and the above experiences would never have been a part of that. I know life is hard, and shit happens, but I'm a super emotional twit, and sometimes I think I just feel too much, and it sends me on a emotional roller coaster that effects everyone around me, and that isn't fair either. Sometimes I feel like I can't post funny stuff to Facebook because it really isn't important when people are dying. So my rash decision is to delete Facebook. As I write this, I don't think I will delete it, but rather suspend it for a while...clean out my "friends" list...get my priorities straight.

I've missed this blog of mine, but lately haven't felt like what I have to say really matters. But, this is my little space that I truly enjoy and I'm going to keep it that way.

Please keep The Thompson Family in your thoughts and prayers.

Be happy.


1 comment:

Susan M. said...

Oh my dear sweet Olivia. I have felt that same as you about facebook, often! I have felt like my words haven't meant anything at times, but then when I faced cancer, again, there were so many people that sent encouraging words and prayers my way. Because of facebook and the people YOU reconnected with, WE connected, and I will be forever grateful for that!

It is because of who we are that makes our emotions lead us sometimes, but that is what makes US!!

You have such a big and giving heart and you care so deeply, even when others have no idea how much you care, but that is one of the things that makes YOU so special!

Even though you are so caring and have such a big heart, you can still kick ASS!!!!!

YOU brought Ronan to me and to our Relay event and shared such a special soul with so many and Maya shared their journey with us and shared an amazing angel with so many people.

It is through facebook, your blog and Mayas that the world knows Rockstar Ronan and he will NEVER be forgotten!

You are a great mom, friend, wife, daughter, etc....and because you care....WE care! I love you and to our emotions, when they want to get the better of us...I say...Fuck 'em!!!!

<3 Susan