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Epiphany (2/2/10)

For a long, long time I’ve chosen to be unhappy. Miserable. Because it seemed easier. As dumb as it sounds, it felt comfortable. I had grown accustomed to being unhappy. And it took an act of God, and sometimes not even then, to make me feel really happy. But that moment was fleeting and I was back to my glum self.

Fast forward to a melt down that I encountered while having a heated discussion with my husband. He was tired of living our lives in the negative. He wanted to start living. He’s always been a happy person, but my gloom had enveloped him like some invisible shroud of clothing that he couldn’t shake off for a long time. Until he made a drastic change and enrolled back in school. Something we both thought he’d never do again. But, realizing we were headed down a path with no fulfillment (career-wise), which would inevitably overflow into our personal lives, he/we decided it would be good for him to go back to school. With that has come a complete shake-up of our routine. For a brief moment, I think both of us wondered if this new adventure would send us into depths of a relationship melt down. It had us pondering if we could make it through to the other side.

To be honest, most of this way my fault with my tendency to be very negative. But, since my melt down, I’ve decided to choose to be happy. I never believed it was possible for anyone to choose to be happy. You were either happy because your life was perfect or you were miserable because your life wasn’t perfect. Lame I know, but that’s how I used to roll. So sad. Sad because of all the time and energy I wasted being negative.

This epiphany is only 6 1/2 hours old. But it’s already rocked my world.

I walked into work today with my usual disdain. Ready to be miserable because I hate my fucking job. Ready to be miserable because right now in this moment, we have to have my salary. Ready to be miserable just be miserable. But, something stopped me. My inner monologue was actually this exact phrase (I don’t say GD out loud, I try SUPER hard to not even think it, but I’m human and I do): “God dammit Olivia. Be happy. The minute you turn this corner, start smiling. Keep smiling. Just choose to be happy.” I turned the corner, and I put on the cheesiest smile I could, and you know what? I could actually feel a weight being lifted, I felt bright, alive, happy, not miserable. And I keep doing it over and over, because like a muscle memory, my mind wants to gravitate towards negativity right now…it doesn’t know how to be happy just naturally. I’m a work in progress. But, I feel GENUINELY happy. For no apparent reason, other than because I chose to be happy. It is the most freeing and empowering feeling ever. To be in control of your emotions. It’s amazing.

But, I can not take all the credit. To my wonderful husband who has put back my broken pieces time and time again over the last 10 years, I cannot thank you enough. He lifted the heavy rock I put myself under and taught me how to crawl out on my own.

Being happy feels good.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you too Babe!