I'm A Free Bitch Baby!

So, I go to the gym today to cancel my membership.

It’s like walking into a shark tank and I’m a giant piece of fatty bait.

I tell the receptionist I want to cancel my membership.

Hoping to hell that she just hands me a form to fill out and I’d be on my merry way.

Fuck no.

She reaches for the intercom and I slowly begin to feel that I might be dying a slow painful death. Teenage angst and crappy self-esteem issues are swirling all around me, and for a moment I swear I’m in a movie scene where everything is blurry and over-exaggerated, and I swear she’s about to say, “We need someone up here stat…Fatty wants to cancel her membership.” As she bounces away with her huge perky boobs, perfect ass that doesn’t jiggle at all, and that 20-something ponytail. You know, the pony tail that is hot and flirtatious but not little girly. Past 25 and you wear that kind of pony tail and it’s just trashy. Okay, back to my painful montage…she picks up the phone, music stops, everyone stops and stares. Ok not really, but that’s what it feels like. She pages Chris or Sharon to come up to “Guest Services”. I feel like she’s paging the courtesy clerk at Safeway for a price-check on tampons. I’m praying for Sharon…I can handle a chick. I can handle being a bitch to a chick if needed. I can do that. I cannot do this with a guy. I get flustered because I feel like a pig and probably because it’s a whole opposite-sex kind of thing. I’m not really the kind of girl that can turn on the charm or flirt my way into or out of a situation with a man. I usually have the “WTF” look. It never helps my cause. Anyway, I hear Chris come through. General-Manager-Chris…Head-Shark -Chris…Guido-Lou Ferrigno-Chris…Member-of –the-Opposite Sex -Chris.

Kill. Me. Now. I actually think death might be a more viable option for me to get out of this contract than actually filling out the form.

I think I started to sweat a little. Who I am kidding, my heart was pounding and I was cursing my sweaty armpits. I’m thinking, “Shit, he’s probably zeroing in on my fat roll. I bet my ass looks huge in these pants. Fuck…maybe I’ll just turn and leave and just keep paying on this bitch.” Thank God I had a friend there for moral support as I heard these dreaded words, and new I was in for it.

Chris: “Ladies…where are you going?”
Me: “Uh nowhere, um just want to leave, er I mean cancel my membership.”
Internal monologue: “You idiot. Lock it up!!”
Chris: As he zeroing in on me and looking me up in down…in a disgusted way. “Why?”
Me: “I just don’t have time.”
Chris: “Oh really? You don’t have the time.”
Me: “Yep…no time.”
Internal monologue: “Dear God…if you love me, please just open a hole in the ground and let me fall into it!”

As he finishes up the paperwork, he places one last dig. “Did you even use the club long enough to get desired results?” Ouch! Burn! Guido-Gym Rat-Chris = 1 / Fatty 2 x 4 = 0. I paused, drew a blank, had deer-in-the-headlights look and said, "Oh yeah, for sure.”

Ugh. Massive fail.

This was the condensed version.  Chris was a total dick, but I just got out of there as fast as I could!

I’m going to listen to my husband 100% of the time now. I fully convinced myself joining a gym would be good for me. I would be committed. Who cares, that I’ve joined before and HATED it. This time will be different…blah…blah…blah. Greg knew better. He was supportive, but I’m pretty sure he always knew my gym experience would end up this way.

Lesson learned. The hard way. Of course…I don’t learn them any other way.


Anonymous said...

Love it! I hate the gym too.

Anonymous said...

Chris sounds like a bitch. I bet he has a small willy and being mean to people makes him feel better about it. I hate people like him. Good for you for being brave!

Samara Link said...

Another well written, funny, entertaining Olivia story. :) Good for you for cancelling. We have paid many, many months of membership fees and not gone over the years. Hey, what city do you live in? I don't know if it's close to you or not, but the Tumbleweed Rec Center in Chandler at McQueen and Queen Creek lets you pay $30 for the month or $4 per visit. The $4 per visit is awesome if you know you're only gonna go once a month or once a week or just as you feel like you want to take a class or something. I've just recently stated going there. The $4 per stop works for me!