Wow.  I didn't even really mean to take a break from blogging.  But I just did.  Life happened and it got in the way.  Plus, I'm not feeling very funny or entertaining right now, so I feel this immense pressure to make people laugh when they come here.  Whatev...this is my journal...funny or not.

I've been knee-deep in sickness at my house.  The Hubs, both kids...ick.  Why don't mom's ever get sick?  Oh yeah, because the house would shrivel up and die if we did.  Everyone is on the mend, but it's still a little hectic.

I'm going to turn 33 later this week.  It's not really a pivotal age like 30 or 35 or 40, but I'm kinda dreading it.  I still feel like I'm 21, on the brink of starting my adult life, like I have all this room for error and the elasticity to explore career options on a whim, and that I have time to settle down and really make something of my life...later on.  Well "later on" is fast approaching and I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing with my life.  It's a constant struggle to balance things out...to spend enough quality time with the family...to make enough money to afford the luxuries that are important to us...to put in the proper time and effort into a job I hate in hopes that it will turn into something more.  Basically, I'm starting to feel old.  And.  It scares the fuck out of me. 

I hear all the time, "You should just be lucky you have a job.  In this economy, you're lucky."  I don't feel lucky though and I don't feel gracious.  I hate my job.  Like bad.  And every day I'm here I literally feel my life waste away.  If I were single or even if it was just my husband and I, I would've been out the door long ago.  I think that is what my major problem is...feeling stuck.  I know this won't last forever.  My husband is going back to school and I'm working on something as well and I know in time, our lives will be different.  We both want more, and we're working towards it and making awesome progress, but my problem, the one that continually plagues me is my lack of patience.  It is such a bitch for me to be patient, but I know I have to be.

I don't know why I'm stuck at my current place.  I've been with this company for 7 years.  I've been through 9 rounds of layoffs, a FDIC takeover, an acquisition, no raise for 3 years, and yet I stay.  For two reasons:  1) The pay is good and the guarantee of that bi-monthly paycheck.  2) My kids.  My boss is super understanding if they get sick or if I need to leave.  He never questions or gets mad or doesn't understand.  He expects me to leave and take care of my children. 

But, it's stifling.  Even writing this I feel the noose grow tight around my neck.  I think about all the things I want to do with my life with my husband, with our children, and all I see are the road blocks:  money, time, freedom.  And  in these moments I feel like I'm just living to die.  I'm not trying to sound morbid.  But seriously, if I were to die tomorrow, I'd be so pissed that I let the security of a paycheck win.

So, I guess my birthday present to myself this week will be a promise.  A promise that this time next year will be different.  That I will have made substantial progress towards my heart's desire (career-wise).  That I'll stop being scared, stop letting my work life dictate my feelings towards my real life.  Stop living in fear of the "what-if's". 

The only "what-if" that I'm going to live by is "What-if I died tomorrow?"  Was I kind enough to the people I love?  Did I teach my children how to love? Did I love my husband enough?  Did I help people?  Did I help the causes dear to my heart?  Did I teach my children they can achieve anything they put their mind to? 

Did I live enough?

Ask yourself that question.  If you're not living enough, I challenge you to make a change as well. 

No comments: