Trusting My Gut & Following My Heart

Let me start this post off by sharing my most favorite quote of all time:

Your time is limited; don't waste it living someone else's life.  Don't be trapped by dogma, which is living the result of other people's thinking.  Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice.  Most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become.  Everything else is secondary.
-Steve Jobs

That quote just hits it home for me.  I have it printed out and hung up in my cube.  It inspires me every time I read it. 

I'm working towards something.  Something that my heart truly desires and all the parts are falling into place.  It leads me to believe I am finally on my way to following the destiny that has been set for me, but that I've been too stubborn or too scared to surrender to.  What I'm working on feels right, I don't feel like I'm trying to stuff myself into some mold that just does not fit me.  I promise once I'm closer I'll share the details. 

For the last 8 years I have thought I wanted to be a photographer.  I started out with a film SLR, taught myself everything I know about photography, including shooting manual.  Which is the only way I shoot...it's the only way that makes sense to me.  Taught myself photoshop, networked with professional photographers and procured mentoring sessions with some, invested heavily into gear and business stuff to get myself going.  To be a professional photographer. Invested a lot of time and energy.  But something was always missing.  I loved taking photos, and I really like editing them, but actually going out and getting the work always stalled me.  Even when people would approach me to take their pictures after seeing my work someplace else, I would almost panic.  Dread would set in.  But, I just chalked it up to nerves.  Chalked it up to insecurity, chalked it up to my own issues.  In retrospect, it wasn't any of these things.  I always knew in the pit of my stomach...in the deepest crevices of my heart what it was.  I was just too scared to verbalize it.  I had invested a lot of money, and I was afraid I would disappoint my husband.  He had all the faith in me, but I would always find a reason to not take the leap.

In this last year I came clean with myself and with my husband:  I don't like taking pictures of people(that I don't share DNA with).  No kids, no families, no head shots, no weddings, no birthday parties, no engagements, nothing. It's not for me, but it took me a long time to accept that.  I guess I felt like a failure.  But taking people photographs makes me never want to pick up my camera.  My favorite photography subjects are storm drains on a street, hidden messages among the urban grit, complete randomness. Marveling in the ordinary.  So, that chapter in my photographic story has ended.  No people photography.  Which in turn means no business.  But, I'm okay with that.  I just want to love my camera again.  Which I do.  She's a beauty.  She's old and beat up, but I love her.  I love taking a picture of something most people don't get.  But, if just one person "gets" it, my heart wants to leap out of my chest.  And that is more important to me than anything. 

So, here's to Friday, and here's to trusting your gut and following your dreams.

1 comment:

Jessica O'Brien said...

sometimes its so hard to make that admission when you're in the thick of things. good message...