2.08.2011

Keeping It Real. Yo.

I say “yo” a lot.  I’m not sure why.

I also say “fuck” a lot.  Way more than I should.  But, I love the word.  During Basic Training in the Army, I remember that as a really big turning point in my life.  On one hand I was being controlled to the tiniest detail, and yet we all cussed, well, like sailors.  It was like it was the one thing we had control of.  Literally.  Yeah, we weren’t really supposed to cuss and if you did it outright and were an ass about it, the Drill Sergeants would make you do push-ups or ridicule you beyond belief, but a lot of the time they let it slide.  They knew.  They’d one been in our shoes.  It was an outlet if you will.  I remember speaking to my Dad during one of the very limited and random times we were allowed to use the phone, and I was cussing, and my dad said, “Where has my sweet girl gone.”  I know I played it off.  But the truth was, she was still there, but a new version of me was emerging…the adult in me…the person who didn’t feel like I would get in trouble for saying “fuck”.

I guess I wanted to write this post today because sometimes I feel like I am not the true representation of myself.  And it flows over into this blog, and my online presence.  I sometimes wrestle with how I should portray myself online.  Should I cuss, should I not cuss?  Should I talk about work, or not and it goes on and on.  Fact is, if we were friends outside of my blog, once our friendship was broken in, I’d cuss.  I’d say fuck, and I wouldn’t apologize for it.  It’s just who I am.  So, this online diary of sorts is me, the good, the sometimes bad, and the ugly.  It’s my life…it’s not always wrapped up in a pretty package tied neatly with a satin bow.  But, I regularly find myself editing the content of posts to be more “user friendly”, and it’s not me. 

And I don’t care anymore if I turn someone off, if they don’t get my humor, if they don’t get my views, if they don’t get me. 

There can mosey along. 

It’s sometimes hard to keep it real, but bottom line, when you do, it cuts out the bullshit.

Outside of the blog, I also feel like I’m not a true representation of what I feel in my heart and soul.  I continually try to box myself into one box, one specific look, one idea…or the idea of what others think that I should be.  For instance, I want to get my nose pierced SO. BAD.  I have wanted to FOREVER, but I was never vocal about it, so now almost 34 years old, it leaves some people questioning why…not understanding…thinking I’m trying to be something different that I really am.  But, truth be told, these are important people in my life that don’t really agree, and for whatever reason, I feel I need to and want to respect them, so I stifle that little bit of my personality.  But I understand it, so I'm willing to accept it and move on.
At my job, I totally stifle the real me.  Yes, I have a few close friends at work that do know facets of the real me, but not in my entirety.  Today, I looked into the mirror at work while washing my hands and looked at my hair, my make-up or lack there of, my clothes and I just thought “this is not you”. 

I am not business casual.  I am not slicked back pony/bun thing. I am not chap stick and mascara.  I am not office slacks and office shirt. 

I am crazy curly hair with funky

headbands and funky accessories.
I am a little bit beach bum, a little bit

bohemian, a little bit conservative.
I am smoky eyes and bright lip gloss. 

But somewhere between marriage, kids and working full time, I’ve become the muted-business casual-cubicle dweller…and I can tell you that is not me.  The last couple years, I’ve felt the part taking over my life, and I’ve started to put an end to it. 

Today’s reflection in the mirror made me realize, we are never too old to realize what we are supposed to be.  We can change our minds and it doesn’t mean we don’t know what we want…it just means we don’t see change as something bad.

So raise a glass to change!  Here’s to keeping it real, funky and fresh!

As they say, a rolling stone gathers no moss.

That’s great, because green really isn’t my color.

Olivia

3 comments:

Tiffany said...

I just LOVE reading your blog! You MUST keep me updated on Chaps Buffalino...

Tiff

Rachel said...

Love it!

Susan said...

Olivia....I love you, the REAL you, more and more! I had no idea you were in the Army, HooAhh!!! LOL... that is the same place that I picked up my favorite word too!! FUCK... It can be used so many ways and I have to tone it down at work, for risk of offending someone and when I am around kids, school, etc...but sometimes, I feel it sitting there on the back of my tongue, taunting me to release the hound!!! LOL..

Stay true to yourself girl, God made you in His perfection!!! Not in others! BTW...I want to get my nose pierced too...Ever since I went to Germany....

Love and Hugs to you!!