Full Cup

“Death is a part of life. Rejoice for those around you…”
~Yoda

Ronan’s memorial was yesterday.  I was dreading it.  I’ve only been to a few funerals in my life and they were somber and dreadful.  Mostly I was terrified going because Ronan is just a babe, and as a mother, I still can’t wrap my head around any parent losing a child. 

 However, it was one of the most beautiful nights I have ever been a part of. This was a celebration of Ronan’s life. We were to remember his fiery independent spirit, and not dwell on the fact that he is no longer here. It was amazing. Nothing short of breathtaking. To see everyone wearing all shades of white, cream, and splashes of pale purple, was gorgeous. The air was thick with love, and when we released balloons in the air, you couldn’t help but feel a quiet peacefulness that no one has felt in a long time. Through out the night I’d feel little gusts of wind whipping around, and I couldn’t help but think it was Ronan. It made me smile. I am forever grateful and changed by Ronan and the journey of the Thompson Family. I’ve been searching for a cause to fight for, and now I have one. Children’s cancer is so grossly underfunded and I’m determined to help change that.

I know in my previous post I was up in arms about Facebook and all the negative feelings I was feeling, but after last night, I am truly thankful for it. After the service, about 10 of us from our hometown of Kelso/Longview, WA went to dinner at a fabulous restaurant under sparkly lights on the outdoor patio with a gentle desert breeze, shared a great meal, a few glasses of sangria, many memories, and a loving toast to Ronan. I couldn’t have thought of a better way to end this part of the journey, than with a group I’ve know since childhood. And for that, I have to give all the thanks to Facebook.

I sat back and watched us all interact with each other for a moment. I couldn’t help but feel happily overwhelmed by watching us…taking nibbles off each other plates, sharing a look, squeezing a hand. There is a level of comfort and familiarity among people you grew up with regardless of how much time has passed. Each and every time I experience this; it overwhelms me, and makes me thankful of where I came from.

Today, my mood is light and I feel love. I feel like after going through this, that I have truly realized what matters in life and what doesn’t. I know I won’t take things for granted anymore. I know to be happy and thankful for what I have and where I’m at in life. I know that it is foolish and a waste of time to dwell on what I don’t have. I have been blessed to find true love, to be a mother to two beautiful children, to have an incredibly supportive family, and to be friends with some amazing people. Seriously, what more could one ask for?

My cup is full and my heart is happy.


♥ ♥ ♥
Olivia

Lots Of Shit

So, this is my 100th post. Yay. Whatever.


My friend's son died of cancer yesterday.


I'm thinking about deleting Facebook.


Random stuff, but it's all intertwined. Not sure if I'll clearly explain what I'm feeling, but here it goes.


I can't sleep. Previously in my life, when I'm stressed, sad or frustrated, my body just goes into sleep mode. I'm not one to sit and worry myself out of sleep. Quite the opposite. So, now something has changed...I've been awake since 2:45, and I don't think sleep is trying to find me.


I've posted about the little Rockstar Ronan I know, and his courageous fight with Neuroblastoma since last August when he was first diagnosed. Little Ronan Sean passed away peacefully yesterday morning in his mama's arms. I still find it surreal, and I hurt selfishly on a level I didn't even know existed. I keep asking myself, "How can I hurt so badly for a child that isn't even mine?" At work yesterday I was a complete mess. Everyone was asking what was wrong, and when I told them, they cried with me. Ronan has touched that many people. For that I will be forever grateful, but I always believed he would make it. I never let myself believe that death would be the final outcome. Maybe I was naive, or maybe I just believed that if I had enough faith, thought only positive thoughts, that that would somehow will the outcome I had wanted. I hurt for my friend.


This has all lead me to deleting my Facebook page. I haven't done it yet, but I posted last night that I was and left my email for those people who wanted to keep in contact. Ever since then I've been wrestling with that. Because Facebook has brought a lot of people back into my life who I totally enjoy. But it's brought a ton of sadness as well. And I'm not the type of person that can separate myself from it. I feel for people on a level that sometimes I wish I didn't. Maya's son got cancer and died. Before Facebook, Maya and I hadn't talked since I graduated. Amy's husband died suddenly and left her and 3 children behind. He was 36. I hadn't talked to Amy since graduation. Dave's sister was murdered by her ex-husband. I haven't talked to Dave since he graduated. Do you see what I'm getting at? These people's lives through Facebook have directly and indirectly affected mine in such ways I wish selfishly weren't possible. Only because I feel like I'm in a constant state or sorrow, sadness, anger, etc. because of the posts on Facebook. I don't think about these people as adults...I transport myself back to a time when we were kids and how carefree we were, and how we all had these hopes and dreams, and the above experiences would never have been a part of that. I know life is hard, and shit happens, but I'm a super emotional twit, and sometimes I think I just feel too much, and it sends me on a emotional roller coaster that effects everyone around me, and that isn't fair either. Sometimes I feel like I can't post funny stuff to Facebook because it really isn't important when people are dying. So my rash decision is to delete Facebook. As I write this, I don't think I will delete it, but rather suspend it for a while...clean out my "friends" list...get my priorities straight.


I've missed this blog of mine, but lately haven't felt like what I have to say really matters. But, this is my little space that I truly enjoy and I'm going to keep it that way.


Please keep The Thompson Family in your thoughts and prayers.


Be happy.


♥
Olivia