Am I In The Wrong Job?

My "notes" from an Email Etiquette meeting this morning. It is 2011, right?

♥ ♥ ♥ Olivia

Lots Of Shit

So, this is my 100th post. Yay. Whatever.


My friend's son died of cancer yesterday.


I'm thinking about deleting Facebook.


Random stuff, but it's all intertwined. Not sure if I'll clearly explain what I'm feeling, but here it goes.


I can't sleep. Previously in my life, when I'm stressed, sad or frustrated, my body just goes into sleep mode. I'm not one to sit and worry myself out of sleep. Quite the opposite. So, now something has changed...I've been awake since 2:45, and I don't think sleep is trying to find me.


I've posted about the little Rockstar Ronan I know, and his courageous fight with Neuroblastoma since last August when he was first diagnosed. Little Ronan Sean passed away peacefully yesterday morning in his mama's arms. I still find it surreal, and I hurt selfishly on a level I didn't even know existed. I keep asking myself, "How can I hurt so badly for a child that isn't even mine?" At work yesterday I was a complete mess. Everyone was asking what was wrong, and when I told them, they cried with me. Ronan has touched that many people. For that I will be forever grateful, but I always believed he would make it. I never let myself believe that death would be the final outcome. Maybe I was naive, or maybe I just believed that if I had enough faith, thought only positive thoughts, that that would somehow will the outcome I had wanted. I hurt for my friend.


This has all lead me to deleting my Facebook page. I haven't done it yet, but I posted last night that I was and left my email for those people who wanted to keep in contact. Ever since then I've been wrestling with that. Because Facebook has brought a lot of people back into my life who I totally enjoy. But it's brought a ton of sadness as well. And I'm not the type of person that can separate myself from it. I feel for people on a level that sometimes I wish I didn't. Maya's son got cancer and died. Before Facebook, Maya and I hadn't talked since I graduated. Amy's husband died suddenly and left her and 3 children behind. He was 36. I hadn't talked to Amy since graduation. Dave's sister was murdered by her ex-husband. I haven't talked to Dave since he graduated. Do you see what I'm getting at? These people's lives through Facebook have directly and indirectly affected mine in such ways I wish selfishly weren't possible. Only because I feel like I'm in a constant state or sorrow, sadness, anger, etc. because of the posts on Facebook. I don't think about these people as adults...I transport myself back to a time when we were kids and how carefree we were, and how we all had these hopes and dreams, and the above experiences would never have been a part of that. I know life is hard, and shit happens, but I'm a super emotional twit, and sometimes I think I just feel too much, and it sends me on a emotional roller coaster that effects everyone around me, and that isn't fair either. Sometimes I feel like I can't post funny stuff to Facebook because it really isn't important when people are dying. So my rash decision is to delete Facebook. As I write this, I don't think I will delete it, but rather suspend it for a while...clean out my "friends" list...get my priorities straight.


I've missed this blog of mine, but lately haven't felt like what I have to say really matters. But, this is my little space that I truly enjoy and I'm going to keep it that way.


Please keep The Thompson Family in your thoughts and prayers.


Be happy.


♥
Olivia

Death By Thin Mints

Oh no.

♥
Olivia

The Purse

The epitome of my life is summed up by the picture of my purse below:

Look at all that shit!

I am so unorganized, it sucks balls.  For real.

This weekend I did something shitty...totally inadvertant, but still shitty nonetheless.  In the grand scheme of life, what I'm about to tell you, is not really a big deal.  But, it's really the icing on the cake for me.  I had RSVP'd to a birthday party for a little girl that Gregory attends "baby school" with.  This little girl and Gregory are little kindred spirits...since they were infants.  Since they could interact, they have been best buddies.  They hug each other when the arrive and leave daycare, they share their food and snacks with each other.  Last weekend at Gregory's party, he ran to her and yelled her name and gave her the biggest hug.  They are totally adorable.

Today when I dropped off Gregory, his teachers told me they "missed us yesterday".  Dumbfounded, I was like, "What?".  Then they said the simple little phrase, "We missed you at Cadence's birthday party yesterday."  OH FUCKING HELL.  I was devastated.  Not only because I missed the party, but because I am so fucking unorganized that it was my sheer incompetence that made me miss the party.  To top it off, I lied...to the mom.  Told her Gregory was still stick and just not at 100%.  I felt awful lying, but I wasn't big enough to admit I forgot...I didn't want her to think she wasn't important. 

Then I left daycare, and had a complete meltdown on the way to work.  This single event is the cherry on the top of a very messy, melty, sticky ice cream cone that is my life.  It's been this perpetual cycle for the last couple years that has me into meltdown mode.  I'm a working mom, and although I want no pity for this, it is hard sometimes to try and manage every detail.  I fuck it up often and I feel horrible about it, but I don't change.  It's insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

~ albert einstein

My day usually starts off crappy because I'm dreading the day ahead, because I loathe my job, then it just builds up over and over.  I get lazy, I see too many unsurmountable tasks and I give up.  This is just a crazy time for us...my hubby is in a job that requires a lot of overtime, so my nights are usually spent flying solo.  Nights can be rough too because the kids are tired, Penelope has homework, violin practice that she fights me tooth and nail on, messy rooms, etc.  

Well, today I made a vow to change.  I have to or I will freak the hell out and go crazy.

I have to say tonight was awesome.  I did everything using "timers" and it worked wonderfully with Penelope.  We got everything done that we normally can't find time for and she was still in bed at normal time of 8:30.  

Some things I did differently tonight:

•  After dinner, set the timer on the stove for 20 minutes.  Told Penelope this was our "Tidy Timer" and she had to pick up her room.  I also used the time to clean up the kitchen, pick up the bathoom, organize the little things that so easily get out of place, etc.  At the end of 20 minutes, she wasn't quite done, so she begged for 10 minutes to finish.  What?  Excuse me?  She wants more time to clean her room?  I'm pretty sure it's because she felt like she was playing a game with the whole timer thing.  After the second timer went off, we were done cleaning for the night and it felt good to know we got a ton of stuff done in 30 short minutes. 
• After the mini clean-up, I put the baby in bath, let him play, and while I was sitting there I had Penelope practice her violin.  I had her do a specific task 10 times.  If she got lazy about it, I wouldn't let her go past that number until she got it right.  It worked.  By the last few times she was really paying attention and when she finished she felt accomplished.  The best part was it kept her interest because we only spent about 10 minutes practicing, but it was quality practice.  And, I bathed the baby during all of this, so he was done when we were done.  Score.  Then we read the baby a book and put him to bed. 
• It was 7:53 and instead of putting Penelope in the shower, I set the timer again for 7 minutes and we practiced her dribbling and foot control techniques for soccer practice.  It was good for me too, because we ran around the house for 7 minutes and I got my heart rate up too.
• We did a few pages of homework, got her showered, in bed and read a book.  I was really happy.  She was happy.  We got so much accomplished without any tantrums...very smooth sailing.   I think my approach has just been wrong all along
• Also, the TV did not come on at all until the kids went to bed.  I told her TV was going to be dramatically cut.  She was bit put off, but then I told her what an awesome job she did tonight, and how things like that allow her privileges and rewards and she was excited.   For the first time, in a very long time, I felt like our time together was quality time...and we accomplished a lot.
• I also picked out the week's remaining outfits for Penelope, Junior Mint and myself.  No more searching for crap in the morning.

I know this new routine will take some major adjustments on my part and time to work itself into habit, but I am so ready.  How will I ever be successful in other parts of my life, if I feel like the most elementary parts of my life are in utter and complete shambles?

But, I have to try, right?

So, tell me...what are some techniques you use to keep yourself organized?  

♥
Olivia

Head is Swirling...

Wow.  I have 28 days until my launch.  And.  I still have A LOT to do.  But in typical fashion, I proscratinate a bit, and then throw down and get crazy busy and productive as the deadline is looming.  It's probably not the best way to work, but for some wierd reason, it really gets the creativity pumping.  I remember in college I would literally be up at midnight writing a paper due the next morning.  I always ended up getting really good grades on my procrastinated work, and ironically enough, the few times I got my stuff done early, my grades were still good, but not great.  Go figure.  This only fueled my proscratination.  But now, I'm not looking at it as a flaw, but rather, a strength.  Even if it only applies to moi.

Since we last spoke, I've gotten a lot accomplished:

• New DBA filed
• Updated all business filings for LLC
• In the process of reclaiming a few screens
• Got a smokin' deal on my silkscreen mesh to make my own screens.  I bought a whole role for $50 less than the marked price.  Come to find out it was mistake on the store's part and the clerk told me the mesh NEVER goes on sale, but she had to sell it to me anyway because that was the marked price.  Score!  And, yes, I do believe I will take that as one my so-loved signs. 
• Settled on my basecloth for my towels and napkins.  It's a 100% cotton, natural cloth.  It kinda looks like linen as it has "rough" look to it.  But it doesn't have the linen price tage.  I know a lot of people rave about linen towels, but I'm not a huge fan.  At least not yet.  I do plan to offer a few linen pieces in the future, but for now...it's all about utility.
• Sourced the vendors/suppliers for my custom twill tape tags
• Decided on my packaging.  It's very simple, yet cool.  Think kraft & newsprint. 
• Have my first collection ready for launch on 1/1/11.  I've entitled it Sea of Love.  It's my homage to the beach and how I grew up. 
• I have a ton more designs ready to go, just need to think of an organized format on how I want to introduce new items to the shop:  weekly, bi-weekly, monthly? 

I still need to:

• Cut my tea towels and napkins to the correct dimensions so they are ready for printing.
• Configure some sort of drying rack.  Up until this point, my printing has been very small runs, so I have not needed anything special for drying.  Thinking maybe just a clothesline hung up in the garage.  This is so very Mom-n-Pop, I but I think that will be part of the appeal.
• Get my business cards printed.
• Scout out upcoming local craft fairs for 2011 and start the registration/jury process if applicable.
• Nail down a mapped out blogging schedule.  It has to be more than my sporadic posts, yet something that is doable between everything else that is going on...namely the two halves of my heart pulling on my pant legs wanting dinner. ;)
• Just get more organized in general.

Oh yeah, and on top of all this, I'm also co-planning a huge family Christmas party on December 11th, and starting to plan my Junior Mint's 2nd B-day Party for January...it's a carnival theme and it is going to be so cute! 

At this point, I think I'll rule out sleep.  As my husband says, you can sleep when you're dead! 

Hiatus

Wow.  I didn't even really mean to take a break from blogging.  But I just did.  Life happened and it got in the way.  Plus, I'm not feeling very funny or entertaining right now, so I feel this immense pressure to make people laugh when they come here.  Whatev...this is my journal...funny or not.

I've been knee-deep in sickness at my house.  The Hubs, both kids...ick.  Why don't mom's ever get sick?  Oh yeah, because the house would shrivel up and die if we did.  Everyone is on the mend, but it's still a little hectic.

I'm going to turn 33 later this week.  It's not really a pivotal age like 30 or 35 or 40, but I'm kinda dreading it.  I still feel like I'm 21, on the brink of starting my adult life, like I have all this room for error and the elasticity to explore career options on a whim, and that I have time to settle down and really make something of my life...later on.  Well "later on" is fast approaching and I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing with my life.  It's a constant struggle to balance things out...to spend enough quality time with the family...to make enough money to afford the luxuries that are important to us...to put in the proper time and effort into a job I hate in hopes that it will turn into something more.  Basically, I'm starting to feel old.  And.  It scares the fuck out of me. 

I hear all the time, "You should just be lucky you have a job.  In this economy, you're lucky."  I don't feel lucky though and I don't feel gracious.  I hate my job.  Like bad.  And every day I'm here I literally feel my life waste away.  If I were single or even if it was just my husband and I, I would've been out the door long ago.  I think that is what my major problem is...feeling stuck.  I know this won't last forever.  My husband is going back to school and I'm working on something as well and I know in time, our lives will be different.  We both want more, and we're working towards it and making awesome progress, but my problem, the one that continually plagues me is my lack of patience.  It is such a bitch for me to be patient, but I know I have to be.

I don't know why I'm stuck at my current place.  I've been with this company for 7 years.  I've been through 9 rounds of layoffs, a FDIC takeover, an acquisition, no raise for 3 years, and yet I stay.  For two reasons:  1) The pay is good and the guarantee of that bi-monthly paycheck.  2) My kids.  My boss is super understanding if they get sick or if I need to leave.  He never questions or gets mad or doesn't understand.  He expects me to leave and take care of my children. 

But, it's stifling.  Even writing this I feel the noose grow tight around my neck.  I think about all the things I want to do with my life with my husband, with our children, and all I see are the road blocks:  money, time, freedom.  And  in these moments I feel like I'm just living to die.  I'm not trying to sound morbid.  But seriously, if I were to die tomorrow, I'd be so pissed that I let the security of a paycheck win.

So, I guess my birthday present to myself this week will be a promise.  A promise that this time next year will be different.  That I will have made substantial progress towards my heart's desire (career-wise).  That I'll stop being scared, stop letting my work life dictate my feelings towards my real life.  Stop living in fear of the "what-if's". 

The only "what-if" that I'm going to live by is "What-if I died tomorrow?"  Was I kind enough to the people I love?  Did I teach my children how to love? Did I love my husband enough?  Did I help people?  Did I help the causes dear to my heart?  Did I teach my children they can achieve anything they put their mind to? 

Did I live enough?

Ask yourself that question.  If you're not living enough, I challenge you to make a change as well. 

Trying To Find My Nut...

You know it is time to find a new job when you get excited to see the office squirrel on his daily lunch break and you compare yourself to him.

I wish I could just lazily eat in the nice afternoon sun.


I wonder how his fur gets so shiny and soft looking. My hair looks like a Brillo pad. Or worse yet a Jonas Brother*.

I wonder if I ate nothing but grass if my hair would look like that.


He’s kinda fat. We have something in common.


I wonder if he has family in that cement planter he runs into.


I hope they never catch him in the metal bait boxes they have everywhere.

Ugh. Then I’m snapped back to reality when someone asks me what I’m doing.

Back to the grind.

*Why my hair looks like a Jonas Brother.

Saturday morning conversation with Penelope:

She’s staring at me and my bed head and she’s trying not to laugh. Then she asks in a shy but comical voice…

“Mama? You wanna know what your hair looks like?”


“What baby?”

“A Jonas Brother!!!!” She manages to squeak that out in between bouts of hysterical laughter.

My mouth drops open and my eyes pop and I start laughing.

“Yeah, Mama! You look like the curly-headed-Jonas Brother!!!!”

Fan-fucking-tastic. 

Sugar We're Going Down...

Roger, that.

I have another blog that I rarely update because I feel like I can't be myself on it because it's my "professional" blog. But, I've had the biggest desire to get myself out in the open, and pour all my thoughts out in the vast anonymity of the grand world wide web.

Have you ever screwed up? I'm talking royally f'd up? Even when you have the best intentions? Don't you hate the saying, "Hindsight is 20/20." Don't you hate it even more when it's totally true? Don't you ever feel like going back to yourself on the day you royally f'd up, kick youself in the head, and tell yourself to really think it over. To really make sure you want to make this decision? I have. I'm wrestling with a very big burden right now. I'm not alone though...my hubby and I are in this together, so that is some relief in itself. What is this blunder you ask? That may be a little to much info for you. In a nutshell, my husband and I made a mistake that has set us back a bit. It will take time to recover from, and basically we have to start over. In more ways than one. But to have to re-evaluate your life when you think you've made all the right decisions and they turn out to be nothing but the wrong ones, puts A LOT into perspective.

Thank God I have Greg...that's my hubby. Without him, I would be a mess in this situation, but he is my rock. The situation that we're going through would probably tear a lot of couples apart, but in some odd way, it's brought us a lot closer. Funny how life sometimes works out that way. Speaking of Greg, that's where "Sugar Bear" comes from...just in case you're wondering. One day he just said it and it has stuck. It's his pet name, but he uses it when he's mad/irritated with me too. I always know when he uses Sugar Bear while he's irritated, that I've haven't really made him super mad. ;)

So, I spend 40 hours in a cube. Doing a job I don't really love. I actually have to stamp my work with a "Completed" stamp with the date and my initials. Can you believe that? A college degree and I'm stamping my work. Awesome. I actually went into a fit of hysterical laughter the other day as I was stamping my days worth or crap. Never thought I'd be here. But, the money is good for stamping paper and I can't seem to pry myself away from the awesomeness that is my cube world to really pursue my dream of photography. Mostly, because I'm a creature of habit and the security of a paycheck (and our current situation) has left me paralyzed with fear about quitting. Maybe someday. Until then, I'll get all my pent up hositility with corporate america and my wimpiness out on the pages of my blog. Photography has always been a dream, but I've realized I was looking down the wrong path of photography. I have some ideas in the works and as they come to fruition, I'll share them here.

So, now I'm off work. I get to spend 1.5 hours in the hell that is called rush-hour traffic. I have lots to do this weekend, but will post soon.