Full Cup

“Death is a part of life. Rejoice for those around you…”
~Yoda

Ronan’s memorial was yesterday.  I was dreading it.  I’ve only been to a few funerals in my life and they were somber and dreadful.  Mostly I was terrified going because Ronan is just a babe, and as a mother, I still can’t wrap my head around any parent losing a child. 

 However, it was one of the most beautiful nights I have ever been a part of. This was a celebration of Ronan’s life. We were to remember his fiery independent spirit, and not dwell on the fact that he is no longer here. It was amazing. Nothing short of breathtaking. To see everyone wearing all shades of white, cream, and splashes of pale purple, was gorgeous. The air was thick with love, and when we released balloons in the air, you couldn’t help but feel a quiet peacefulness that no one has felt in a long time. Through out the night I’d feel little gusts of wind whipping around, and I couldn’t help but think it was Ronan. It made me smile. I am forever grateful and changed by Ronan and the journey of the Thompson Family. I’ve been searching for a cause to fight for, and now I have one. Children’s cancer is so grossly underfunded and I’m determined to help change that.

I know in my previous post I was up in arms about Facebook and all the negative feelings I was feeling, but after last night, I am truly thankful for it. After the service, about 10 of us from our hometown of Kelso/Longview, WA went to dinner at a fabulous restaurant under sparkly lights on the outdoor patio with a gentle desert breeze, shared a great meal, a few glasses of sangria, many memories, and a loving toast to Ronan. I couldn’t have thought of a better way to end this part of the journey, than with a group I’ve know since childhood. And for that, I have to give all the thanks to Facebook.

I sat back and watched us all interact with each other for a moment. I couldn’t help but feel happily overwhelmed by watching us…taking nibbles off each other plates, sharing a look, squeezing a hand. There is a level of comfort and familiarity among people you grew up with regardless of how much time has passed. Each and every time I experience this; it overwhelms me, and makes me thankful of where I came from.

Today, my mood is light and I feel love. I feel like after going through this, that I have truly realized what matters in life and what doesn’t. I know I won’t take things for granted anymore. I know to be happy and thankful for what I have and where I’m at in life. I know that it is foolish and a waste of time to dwell on what I don’t have. I have been blessed to find true love, to be a mother to two beautiful children, to have an incredibly supportive family, and to be friends with some amazing people. Seriously, what more could one ask for?

My cup is full and my heart is happy.


♥ ♥ ♥
Olivia

The Purse

The epitome of my life is summed up by the picture of my purse below:

Look at all that shit!

I am so unorganized, it sucks balls.  For real.

This weekend I did something shitty...totally inadvertant, but still shitty nonetheless.  In the grand scheme of life, what I'm about to tell you, is not really a big deal.  But, it's really the icing on the cake for me.  I had RSVP'd to a birthday party for a little girl that Gregory attends "baby school" with.  This little girl and Gregory are little kindred spirits...since they were infants.  Since they could interact, they have been best buddies.  They hug each other when the arrive and leave daycare, they share their food and snacks with each other.  Last weekend at Gregory's party, he ran to her and yelled her name and gave her the biggest hug.  They are totally adorable.

Today when I dropped off Gregory, his teachers told me they "missed us yesterday".  Dumbfounded, I was like, "What?".  Then they said the simple little phrase, "We missed you at Cadence's birthday party yesterday."  OH FUCKING HELL.  I was devastated.  Not only because I missed the party, but because I am so fucking unorganized that it was my sheer incompetence that made me miss the party.  To top it off, I lied...to the mom.  Told her Gregory was still stick and just not at 100%.  I felt awful lying, but I wasn't big enough to admit I forgot...I didn't want her to think she wasn't important. 

Then I left daycare, and had a complete meltdown on the way to work.  This single event is the cherry on the top of a very messy, melty, sticky ice cream cone that is my life.  It's been this perpetual cycle for the last couple years that has me into meltdown mode.  I'm a working mom, and although I want no pity for this, it is hard sometimes to try and manage every detail.  I fuck it up often and I feel horrible about it, but I don't change.  It's insanity

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

~ albert einstein

My day usually starts off crappy because I'm dreading the day ahead, because I loathe my job, then it just builds up over and over.  I get lazy, I see too many unsurmountable tasks and I give up.  This is just a crazy time for us...my hubby is in a job that requires a lot of overtime, so my nights are usually spent flying solo.  Nights can be rough too because the kids are tired, Penelope has homework, violin practice that she fights me tooth and nail on, messy rooms, etc.  

Well, today I made a vow to change.  I have to or I will freak the hell out and go crazy.

I have to say tonight was awesome.  I did everything using "timers" and it worked wonderfully with Penelope.  We got everything done that we normally can't find time for and she was still in bed at normal time of 8:30.  

Some things I did differently tonight:

•  After dinner, set the timer on the stove for 20 minutes.  Told Penelope this was our "Tidy Timer" and she had to pick up her room.  I also used the time to clean up the kitchen, pick up the bathoom, organize the little things that so easily get out of place, etc.  At the end of 20 minutes, she wasn't quite done, so she begged for 10 minutes to finish.  What?  Excuse me?  She wants more time to clean her room?  I'm pretty sure it's because she felt like she was playing a game with the whole timer thing.  After the second timer went off, we were done cleaning for the night and it felt good to know we got a ton of stuff done in 30 short minutes. 
• After the mini clean-up, I put the baby in bath, let him play, and while I was sitting there I had Penelope practice her violin.  I had her do a specific task 10 times.  If she got lazy about it, I wouldn't let her go past that number until she got it right.  It worked.  By the last few times she was really paying attention and when she finished she felt accomplished.  The best part was it kept her interest because we only spent about 10 minutes practicing, but it was quality practice.  And, I bathed the baby during all of this, so he was done when we were done.  Score.  Then we read the baby a book and put him to bed. 
• It was 7:53 and instead of putting Penelope in the shower, I set the timer again for 7 minutes and we practiced her dribbling and foot control techniques for soccer practice.  It was good for me too, because we ran around the house for 7 minutes and I got my heart rate up too.
• We did a few pages of homework, got her showered, in bed and read a book.  I was really happy.  She was happy.  We got so much accomplished without any tantrums...very smooth sailing.   I think my approach has just been wrong all along
• Also, the TV did not come on at all until the kids went to bed.  I told her TV was going to be dramatically cut.  She was bit put off, but then I told her what an awesome job she did tonight, and how things like that allow her privileges and rewards and she was excited.   For the first time, in a very long time, I felt like our time together was quality time...and we accomplished a lot.
• I also picked out the week's remaining outfits for Penelope, Junior Mint and myself.  No more searching for crap in the morning.

I know this new routine will take some major adjustments on my part and time to work itself into habit, but I am so ready.  How will I ever be successful in other parts of my life, if I feel like the most elementary parts of my life are in utter and complete shambles?

But, I have to try, right?

So, tell me...what are some techniques you use to keep yourself organized?  

♥
Olivia

Hiatus

Wow.  I didn't even really mean to take a break from blogging.  But I just did.  Life happened and it got in the way.  Plus, I'm not feeling very funny or entertaining right now, so I feel this immense pressure to make people laugh when they come here.  Whatev...this is my journal...funny or not.

I've been knee-deep in sickness at my house.  The Hubs, both kids...ick.  Why don't mom's ever get sick?  Oh yeah, because the house would shrivel up and die if we did.  Everyone is on the mend, but it's still a little hectic.

I'm going to turn 33 later this week.  It's not really a pivotal age like 30 or 35 or 40, but I'm kinda dreading it.  I still feel like I'm 21, on the brink of starting my adult life, like I have all this room for error and the elasticity to explore career options on a whim, and that I have time to settle down and really make something of my life...later on.  Well "later on" is fast approaching and I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing with my life.  It's a constant struggle to balance things out...to spend enough quality time with the family...to make enough money to afford the luxuries that are important to us...to put in the proper time and effort into a job I hate in hopes that it will turn into something more.  Basically, I'm starting to feel old.  And.  It scares the fuck out of me. 

I hear all the time, "You should just be lucky you have a job.  In this economy, you're lucky."  I don't feel lucky though and I don't feel gracious.  I hate my job.  Like bad.  And every day I'm here I literally feel my life waste away.  If I were single or even if it was just my husband and I, I would've been out the door long ago.  I think that is what my major problem is...feeling stuck.  I know this won't last forever.  My husband is going back to school and I'm working on something as well and I know in time, our lives will be different.  We both want more, and we're working towards it and making awesome progress, but my problem, the one that continually plagues me is my lack of patience.  It is such a bitch for me to be patient, but I know I have to be.

I don't know why I'm stuck at my current place.  I've been with this company for 7 years.  I've been through 9 rounds of layoffs, a FDIC takeover, an acquisition, no raise for 3 years, and yet I stay.  For two reasons:  1) The pay is good and the guarantee of that bi-monthly paycheck.  2) My kids.  My boss is super understanding if they get sick or if I need to leave.  He never questions or gets mad or doesn't understand.  He expects me to leave and take care of my children. 

But, it's stifling.  Even writing this I feel the noose grow tight around my neck.  I think about all the things I want to do with my life with my husband, with our children, and all I see are the road blocks:  money, time, freedom.  And  in these moments I feel like I'm just living to die.  I'm not trying to sound morbid.  But seriously, if I were to die tomorrow, I'd be so pissed that I let the security of a paycheck win.

So, I guess my birthday present to myself this week will be a promise.  A promise that this time next year will be different.  That I will have made substantial progress towards my heart's desire (career-wise).  That I'll stop being scared, stop letting my work life dictate my feelings towards my real life.  Stop living in fear of the "what-if's". 

The only "what-if" that I'm going to live by is "What-if I died tomorrow?"  Was I kind enough to the people I love?  Did I teach my children how to love? Did I love my husband enough?  Did I help people?  Did I help the causes dear to my heart?  Did I teach my children they can achieve anything they put their mind to? 

Did I live enough?

Ask yourself that question.  If you're not living enough, I challenge you to make a change as well.